What Trump and Putin said.

Trump: President Putin, you look great. It’s so great to meet without all the eggheads around.

Putin: Likewise. You seem very happy today. I guess letting them have it in Brussels was a relief.

Trump: Tremendous. What a mess Europe is. And England. I should know. I’ve got a golf course in Scotland.

Putin: Yes. A nice one, I hear.

Trump: Beautiful. You should play there one day. Do you play golf?

Putin: No, I prefer to fish. You can’t eat a golf ball, you know.

Trump: That’s a good one.

Putin: So what shall we talk about, you and me. Mano a mano.

Trump: I really appreciate your support, Mr. President.

Putin: It’s my honor. The world is a complicated place. But when two leaders see eye to eye, as we do, things get done.

Trump: Well, they get done in your country. In mine, there’s all these bureaucrats and security agents trying to bring me down.

Putin: That’s because of history. History traps us all.

Trump: Say that again.

Putin: Let’s talk shop. (He speaks in Russian to Trump’s translator. She nods, meekly.) I just explained that whatever we say never leaves this room. Your translator understands. Her family is very important to her.

Trump: (Laughing) Is that true Marina?

Putin: Of course, you have many good relations here as well, Mr. President.

Trump: Fine people.

Putin: Some of them. Some of them I had to take care of, because they wanted to cause trouble.

Trump: I very much appreciate it.

Putin: Do you?

Trump: Of course. These people only think about money, and will do anything for it.

Putin: Money is very important.

Trump: I know.

Putin: You know, some people say I’m the richest man in the world. Richer than your Bill Gates.

Trump: Gates is a pansy.

Putin: Yes. But rich. Perhaps not as rich as I am.

Trump: Of course not.

Putin: But I still don’t seem to have enough money. It took quite a bite out of me to cover your losses with Oleg and Yurifamich. A pound of flesh, as the bard said.

Trump: Your bard exaggerates, I’m sure.

Putin: (voice rising) No, Mr. Trump, it’s not an exaggeration! The bard is Shakespeare, you imbecile.

Trump: (meekly) I know that. I was just kidding, Vladimir.

Putin: I am the leader of a sovereign nation that almost went to war with yours. Yet I’ve paid off your debts, and kept it quiet. They say I control you. But it seems you control me. Who else would do this for a friend, and get nothing in return?

Trump: I do try to help. You know that. It’s not easy. Everyone watches every step I take. My support for you has cost me, too.

Putin: I know that. By the way, I admire the way your Republican party handles the issue. Especially this Steele dossier thing. Just mention it, and they attack. Like pit bulls.

Trump: They’re well organized.

Putin: That’s the way to do it. If they only know about the video, huh Donald?

Trump: (glancing at the translator) What video?

Putin: Oh, just a little fun (laughing).

Trump: At this point, any video would look fake.

Putin: Ah, fake news. You’ve done well with that.

Trump: Yes, it works.

Putin: I must admit it gave me a lot of pleasure to see what you did with those NATO Europeans. In my opinion, that sort of thing is very valuable. Please keep it up. Also with the G7. You’re making real progress, my friend.

Trump: I know I could do more.

Putin: Don’t tire yourself too quickly. You need to get reelected.

Trump: (brightens) I will.

Putin: With help from your friends.

Trump: Yes.

Putin: We’ll do the same as before, then?

Trump: Of course.

Putin: I have very talented people. Computer people. They can manipulate things on Facebook, move things around Twitter, drive people crazy.

Trump: They’re really good. But they have to be careful. The NSA are watching, and everybody else, too.

Putin: True, but we have ways.

Trump: You sure do. By the way, do you have any influence with North Korea?

Putin: Not much. He’s China’s man. Anyone can change, of course.

Trump: You think?

Putin: Look at your Mr. Bolton. He’s said really terrible things about me, about us, in the past. He would have dropped nukes on us if he could. Now he’s so polite, I hardly recognize him.

Trump: He obeys his boss.

Putin: Well, you’re clearly the boss.

Trump: From someone like you, that’s a real compliment.

Putin: Lets head out …

Trump: To the vipers?

Putin: To the vipers. A shame you cannot take care of them as I do …